Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
92 Minutes (15)
So, imagine you’re in a foreign country, driving to a party late at night. You don’t have a map or a sat nav, nobody is apparently expecting you, and nobody apparently even knows you’ve gone out. Suddenly, your car gets a puncture. You’re left stranded in some dark, sprawling forest, tropical monsoon raging, with (of course) no mobile signal. You also have an unbelievably irritating whining American friend sitting next to you. Now, do you a) calmly fit the spare tyre, or b) decide to blindly stumble further into said forest? If you chose option b), suppose you then came across a house. You’re confronted with a menacing skeletal German who literally answers the door by breathing “are you... alone?” Would you now a) run like hell or b) mince gratefully inside and accept a strangely bitter-tasting drink?
If you answered mostly b), I’d suggest you avoid The Human Centipede – its grittily realistic portrayal of human behaviour will probably terrify you. Everyone else, well, still avoid it, it’s crap. Tom ‘Gay in Amsterdam’ Six’s latest effort is a pointless, steaming pile of bathos, despite its shrieking pull-quote informing us how ‘shockingly controversial’ it supposedly is (clearly the distributors have great faith in their intended audience’s motivation for watching). It’s ludicrous, poorly shot, appallingly acted and actually, for long stretches, quite boring. Oooh, told.
To be fair, the central premise of the film is genuinely quite a departure from standard tacky horror fare – newcomer Laser’s typically demented mad scientist decides, for some reason, to surgically attach three hapless tourists ass-to-mouth, thus creating the titular centipede. The idea is that they’ll form one digestive system, and I’m sure you can figure out how that works (think Two Girls One Cup if you’re stuck). It’s never actually explained why our villain has concocted this charming plan; presumably though he just fancies watching the finished product lumber around his home screaming in incoherent Japanese, as that’s essentially all that seems to happen once he’s pulled it off.
To his credit Six doesn’t rely on explicit Hostel-esque gore to shock his audience, letting the inherently disgusting idea of being forced to quite literally eat shit and die do the work for him. Once this initial squirm-value has worn off, however, the film has no idea where else to go, and just meanders along aimlessly like a fly with Alzheimer’s until it reaches its frankly pathetic climax. Most disturbing perhaps is the shameless set-up for a sequel. Jesus, what the hell else can possibly happen? Stick a blonde wig on it and let the ‘centipede’ embark on a niche porn career? Go away, Six, just go away.
Unpleasant as the concept is, it does at least shut the two screeching lead actresses up, whom I despised within seconds of their characters being introduced. I’ve seen X Factor judges deliver dialogue more naturalistically than these two giggling imbeciles, who are no doubt already hurtling towards a lifetime of ‘Where Are They Now?’ MTV specials and cheap DVD-only spin-offs. Their tormenter Laser, in contrast, is the film’s sole strength - genuinely creepy-looking , he lends real menace to a role that could have all too easily descended over onto the Gaga side of camp.
(He does chase the Americans around with a riding crop though. Bellowing ‘feed her! FEED HER!’ and cackling manically. Perhaps I should retract that last statement.)
In summary then, watching The Human Centipede is the audio-visual equivalent of being force-fed the waste products of Six’s clearly warped imagination – appropriately enough. Avoid it like its protagonists avoid common sense.
...or end up so appallingly desensitized to on-screen horrors that you laugh all the way through Schindler’s List.
No comments:
Post a Comment